MEMORIES OF SPAM (In honour of Canada's Anti-Spam legislation of July 1, 2014)

Sometimes I sit and daydream of the joys of yesterday
When emails came in floods and waves and occupied my day
I rarely got my work done as I watched my screen with glee
As scams and ads and news and fads and trends confronted me

My manager inquired after clients got upset
The customers demanded ‘are the tickets issued yet’?
“We sent our final payment and we’re more than just dismayed
Our documents have not arrived, our best made plans aren’t laid”.

I creased my brow, I quoted Mao and cited workers’ rights
I have too many things to do, I must adjust my sights
I want to answer all my mail and so I must confess
The clients booking travel will just have to wait, I guess

My manager looked at my screen with curiosity
She asked which emails were the most important ones to me
I swallowed hard I took a breath and read the growing list
Of clicks and links and Groupon drinks, to give her just a gist.

There was that note from Africa that asked me for some dough
And in exchange a billion bucks into my bank would flow
I quickly sent my PINs, ID and passport info too
And waited very patiently (it’s been a month or two)

A person running webinars informs me I’ll go far
It seems he knows I care about the globe, my job, my car
Apparently I need some help to manage all my time
For only fifty bucks or so, my lifestyle he can prime

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And then there was the gentleman inside a raging stew
His friends required flights; he picked me right out of the blue
There were no names provided, just a list that I should book
(I want to help humanity and let him off the hook)

And so you see, dear manager my time is occupied
The clients that have seen me must agree to step aside
At least until I answer all my emails every day
‘Should I go’? is no retort,  indeed it is ‘to stay’!

My manager just rubbed her eyes, there were so many lines
Of spammy emails on my screen, she said ‘hey dude, it’s time
To start a policy of banning all this wasteful stuff
It’s ruining all our business and enough is just enough

The manager did not stop there, so unabashedly
She went to tell the chair of Canada’s CRTC
He thought the message was so good he uttered “thank you ma’am”
And set in place a policy to ban the use of SPAM

And now I sit bewildered in my cubicle every day
The clients seem to like me more, they dream, they book, they pay
Itineraries are sent on time, the airline tickets too
But when I gaze upon my screen I’m feeling kind of blue

My emails are a fraction of what they use to be
The man who wants my bank account no longer talks to me
I feel so lonely and depressed it’s hard to say in words
But what’s this game? It’s tons of fun!  I love my Angry Birds!  



Copyright Steve Gillick 2014